With the same morbid curiosty that accompanies one slowing down to witness some horrible highway accident or searching for news reports of a grisly industrial accident, I cruised on over to SF Gate to see what I could see.

The following is horrid. Painful.

I’m talking about blood trickling out of your ears painful.

But I had to go through it, so you do too, so sit still while I strap you down, Clockwork Orange-style, and get going with the viddies. (“It’s a sin!!!”)

TWO CENTS is a feature at SF Gate where the newsmen pose a question of great international import, putting stock in the collective wisdom of its readers, searching for and pointing out what are apparently the smartest and most thoughtful comments of the Bay Area.

Sort of like looking for the tallest buildings in Spokane, Washington .

This week’s weighty question was “What would you do if you were Saddam Hussein?”

At least they didn’t print all of the “Give everyone in my country a puppy” or “Teach the world to sing” responses. You have to hand it to them at least for that.

Mike Sher, Oakland

Retain a good public relations firm and let the American people know my side of the story. Tell the United States that it isn’t politics as much as oil that’s the motivation for a possible war. Tell them that when I say inspectors can come in, they can come in. Tell them that we want to be part of the world community, have the embargoes lifted, and live in peace.

Someone should have this fellow transported back from about 1990, since what he describes is exactly what Saddam has been doing for the last decade or so . Except for the PR firm thing. That part is just sheer brilliance.

Lani Silver, San Francisco

I would announce that starting tomorrow, my country would be a democracy. I’d host conferences every day on nonviolent solutions to conflict. I’d apologize to the Kurds for the genocide I’d perpetrated upon them, and I’d now protect them. I’d also tell the United States, in the nicest possible way, that for it to pursue war with Iraq is cruel and inhumane. And I’d suggest that all the energy being put into this proposed war could be spent solving the problems of the United States .

Oh shit. How in God’s name am I supposed to parody that? Seriously, God, please give me a sign, because I don’t think any mere mortal could know. I think saying “Teach the world to sing” would have been about as silly as this one.

Oh lord… too stoo-pid … head exploding…

What’s this? Something approaching common sense? It’s like some beautiful dream. ..

Steven Travers, San Anselmo

I would attempt to negotiate a deal, like the one Don Rumsfeld has hinted about, in which I would be allowed to leave Iraq with my family and a lot of money to go to a friendly country like Syria and live out the rest of my miserable days in exile. Beyond that, I would pray to a benevolent God for forgiveness.

Well I’d have to say that’s the one among the bunch that I agree with most, but all of these people have left out the single most obvious thing to do if you were Saddam Hussein: Kill your two sons while they sleep, and then kill every one of yours and their thuggish Tikrit supporters. Then put a bullet in your own head.

last update : 26-5-2018

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