What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen? Yeah, yeah… “Anything with Barbra Streisand.”

Very funny.

But I’m serious. EW.com had its readers rank what they thought were the 13 scariest movies of all time, and the list is complete bull. They are:

  1. The Exorcist: Only scary to people who can’t stand split sea soup, and pussies.
  2. Halloween: Sort of scary, if only you realize when watching that it spawns a long and popular career for Jamie Lee Curtis.
  3. The Shining: All work and no play make Jack a dull fucking movie. Well, that’s not toally true. I actually think this was a really good film, but not scary. Except for that part with the guy in the bear suit and the one in the tux together on the bed . I mean what the hell was that all about?
  4. Nightmare on Elm Street: This movie was just plain offensive and bigoted, implying that that everyone who is a gruesome child-killer in life will go on to continue those activities in death. Narrow-minded bastards.
  5. Alien: Any fear that i had while watching this movie was instantly and permanently replaced with lacivious delight at the sight of Sigourney Weaver in her underwear at the end. Everything else just got blocked out.
  6. Silence of the Lambs: A transvestite and a guy who makes obscene noises with his tongue and has an unconventional diet. Please. Hippies and their “natural organic food” scare me more.
  7. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Never saw it. But you’re still a pussy if it scares you.
  8. Night of the Living Dead: This was the Blair Witch Project of its day, I’m pretty sure. Everything is so grainy and visually incomprehensible that it’s about as scary as alphabet soup, which is only moderately terrifying.
  9. Psycho: Hmmm, this is kinda scary, being a movie about a nightmarish alternate universe where all color has been washed away from the world.
  10. Seven: I simply can’t be scared when I’ve got Brad Pitt’s dreamy face to gaze at for 2 hours.
  11. Jaws: I never even knew they made a movie solely about the famous Bond villain .
  12. The Thing: Ok, this movie was pretty cool and kinda scary. Plus seeing Wilford Brimley go nutso is mighty disturbing.
  13. Rosemary’s Baby: Yeah, a movie involving such a freakish half-human creature does have a certain amount of a chill factor to it, but enough about Mia Farrow.

So, as you can see, this is a pretty shoddy list. Besides, any comprehensive “Sacriest Movie” list would have to include the following:

  • Killer Klowns from Outer Space: I don’t care if this was supposed to be a comedy. Clowns are fucking terrifying, anyway you look at it. And spelling “clown” with a K just ratchets up the fear actor about ten-fold in my opinion, but then, poor spelling (or dysgrammatiphobia) has always been an intense fear of mine.
  • Cocoon:A charming story about old folks and aliens? Bullshit. You’re forced to see Wilford Brimley without his shirt on. That has to be against some kind of decency law.
  • Paint Your Wagon: A musical starring Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin. I mean, what the hell?
  • ET: The Extra Terrestrial: Come on, people! The thing is a giant lizard that can see into your head! That’s high octane nightmare fuel right there.
  • Any Adam Sandler movie in which he doesn’t die a horrible death at some point: Which is to say, all of them.
  • And yeah, all kidding aside, you’re right … anything with Barbra Streisand. 

last update : 23-5-2018

Comments are closed.