From the M³ News Service

Former President Jimmy Carter kicked off a new humanitarian mission in search of peace this week when he arrived in Bahgdad early Sunday morning, meeting with Iraqi president Saddam Hussein on the tarmac and genially giving him a great big hug. He was then quickly whisked away from the crowds that had gathered at the airport, made up mostly of destitute beggars and former political dissidents missing fingers, eyes, tongues, legs and other assorted appendages.

“What’s with all those people?” he reportedly asked Saddam in the limo from the plane.

“Oh, them. Performance artists. They are… uh… constructing a dialogue of …um…postmodern relations of power in the oppressive and degrading world of capitalism . By amputating limbs, they show how the Western world likes to ‘take an arm and a leg’ so to speak from poor 3rd world peoples.”

Carter sat back in his seat and said, “Well isn’t that nice.”

Later, president Carter went on a tour of Iraqi facilities reported to be centers for the creation of chemical and nuclear weapons, saying “President Saddam and I have talked man to man, and I trust him. He has assurred me that these are daycare facilities for working mothers, something we would have more of in the US if President Bush and the Republicans were as socially responsible as President Hussein here.”

One large section of the compound outside of Tikrit was fenced off and covered with tarps. Carter asked nonchalantly what that part of the facility was, and Saddam responded promptly, “Oh, that’s a bathroom.”

“Really… it looks like a really big bathroom…”Carter repsonded.

“Yes, well… uh, you see. .. Hey, you know what I always liked about you? That you’re a peacemaker. Like with Camp David. Dynamite stuff, that.”

At this moment Carter’s eyes seemed to glaze over slightly and he sighed contentedly as he once again launched into what many insiders are saying will be his acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace prize, which he has been working on for the last 25 years or so.

“Well, I’ve always believed in being a giver…” he began.

Carter also praised Saddam as a “consensus builder,” noting Saddam’s 100% victory in the last Iraqi presidential election as proof that he is the chosen leader of the Iraqi people.

“It’s refreshing to see a place where divisive partisan politics are put aside for the greater good,” Carter said.

Observers assumed that by “put aside” Carter meant “tortured, mutilated and executed,” but this could not be confirmed by the ex-president.

At an informal brunch the next day, Carter offered effusive praise to Saddam as a forward-thinker and sincere apologies for “what my country has done to your country.”

He also relied upon a common tact that he has taken with other world leaders hostile to America, pointing out Saddam’s wife and saying what a beautiful woman she was.

“That is a goat,” Saddam said.

“Oh,” Carter replied, somehwat embarrassed. “I just thought, because I saw the two of you. the other night … well you know…

last update : 19-4-2018

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