About every 100 million years or so, there is a lining up of the planets and stars that is sufficient to cause a rift in the space-irony continuum, releasing the very building blocks of the stuff throughout the cosmos and causing a moment of perfect irony. The last time this happened was about 65 million years ago, when a dinosaur remarked to an associate of his, “You know something, Dennis? I have a feeling us Klebnorbs (cause that’s what they called themselves) are going to be around forever.”

Right then, Dennis looked up into the sky and said, “Hey, what’s that?”

Well, I’m very tempted to say that the next great rift may be upon us. How else can you explain a website that likes to call itself “Tom Paine.common sense” publishing an article that earnestly wonders why Michael Moore hasn’t yet been given a TV show devoted to shoving his fat face, ugly class warrior rhetoric, and typically unappealing, mean-spirited personality into people’s homes every day?


Michael Moore has a problem: Nobody wants to put him on television. “I’ve been on a total of two network shows in nine months,” the lefty filmmaker and author recently told The New York Times. “What’s going on with that?”


I could be simplistic and say it’s because he comes off as a smug jerk to most people, but I’ll try and phrase it a little better than that.

Michael Moore’s media efforts thus far, to the extent that they have been successful, have hinged on him 1) being able to completely control and manipulate the information that gets presented to the audience, and 2) having strategically constrained his personality from showing through too much.

In Bowling For Columbine, he’s in complete directorial control, and is able to present information (and distort it) as much as he wants, as he does when he films himself leaving a bank with a handgun, implying that the bank teller just handed it over to him as part of their oh-so-white-trash promotion deal of a free gun upon opening an account. This is always described to me as one of the funniest scenes in the movie. Far less funny would have been to film how Moore actually got his gun: he had to take a certificate he received from the teller and take it to a gun store after going through all the normal procedures for purchasing a firearm. Sure, it’s a deliberate dishonesty, but otherwise it wouldn’t have been funny or made his point. Moore wouldn’t be able to control reality in this manner were he given the opportunity to plop his ample frame into an extra large chair to the right of Jay Leno.

And as to that, many people, even fans of his movies and books, are starting to realize that pure, unadulterated Moore is not a pleasant thing to encounter . Anyone who saw or heard about his behavior (both onstage and off) at his one-man show in London can vouch for this. Whether he’s going for laughs by suggesting that the 9/11 hijackers were able to kill thousands of people because the honkies on the planes (and all whites in general) were pussies, or setting up silly set pieces with audience members that end up backfiring and making him look not only unfunny and offensive but also stupid, a good rule of thumb to go by is: however much leeway he’s given to let his true, everyday self show through is directly proportional to how much you end up disliking the man at the end of the day.


As the Times reported the same day, “Democrats are scouring the nation for a liberal answer to Rush Limbaugh.” Why isn’t it Michael Moore?


I would have to say that it’s because the Left isn’t completely suicidal. I really can’t understand why Richard Blow doesn’t understand all of the above about Moore, especially when he says the following about Ann Coulter, identifying the aspects that make her a successful media personality:


Ann Coulter gets on TV because she rules the medium; she’s poised, articulate and throws soundbites like spears. She’s also good-looking, which TV viewers (and, consequently, producers) love. And she’s provocative.


Well, yeah.

I’ll return to the “good-looking” issue in a little bit (where can one even begin when comparing Coulter to Moore?). But even putting that aside, I don’t see how he can expect to find a place for Moore with all those criteria.

Brother, he’s a lot of things, but “poised” he ain’t. Rather, he’s awkward and random. And “articulate”? I suppose Blow has a different meaning in mind for that word besides being able to get your point across coherently, because that Moore definitely does not do.

One perhaps might say he “throws soundbites like spears,” but all of those spears he fires off end up flying in every which direction and not hitting any intelligible targets, because those soundbites for which those spears do metaphorical duty amount at most to a series of disjointed, angry ramblings that reveal a measure of contempt for the American people (and anyone who disagrees even slightly with his bizarre grab bag of progressive issues) unequaled by the most liberal of TV personalities .

Ann Coulter has said some stupid things, as when she (aggressively tongue in cheek) suggested she wouldn’t feel bad if the 9/11 hijackers had crashed into the New York Times building, but those kinds of statements from her are rare, and the joking nature (however insensitive) is also unmistakable. Moore, on the other hand, makes as his rhetorical bread and butter sincerely angry and ugly pronouncements with a regular frequncy, such as lamenting the fact that Al Qeada attacked New York, since most New Yorkers hadn’t even voted for Bush, after all! They didn’t deserve to die a fiery death unlike, say, the majority of Americans in Houston. Why couldn’t the terrorists have attacked there?

He identifies small business owners as idiots, rednecks and racists, all. He speaks degradingly of “the masses,” as if there were some single monolithic horde of poor, ignorant and oppressed proles who need the light of his wisdom to guide them out of the forest of blindness and oppression by the Big Business and Republican trolls.

And, perhaps most tellingly, he plays his working-class hero schtick to the hilt at every occasion, yet rants and raves backstage at the janitors, interns and other poor schmos making minimum wage becuase he’s only getting paid $750 a night to shuffle around on the stage aimlessly in front of an audience and insult the people on the 9/11 planes for being white “scaredy-cats,” right before he hops on a plane and returns to his multimillion dollar mansion.

It goes on and on.

And furthermore, Moore deson’t even work as the person that conservatives “love to hate” the way Blow described Coulter was to the Left when she wrote for George magazine. I think if you really examined people’s opinions more closely, you’d find that people don’t hate Moore so much as have contempt at his utter hypocrisy, ugliness and absurdity as a public figure. Coulter at the very least can present a compelling argument, that, if one disagrees with, can exercise and get them interested, even if it means that energy takes the form of anger. Any interest in Moore honestly sounding off on his political beliefs, on the other hand, amounts to a kind of gross fascination with a truly unpleasant scene. To say that watching Moore try to communicate an articulate point (bereft of the fudging and crutches that the celluloid format allows him) is like looking at a car crash is to unfairly gruesome-ize car crashes.

As for the “looks” issue, Blow seems to think that Moore has a “kindly, everyman face,” which he even acknowledges can sometimes hide an ugly character.

Boy howdy.

And even if that were not the case with Moore, there would still be the fact that he seems to have that horribly irritating and off-putting “ain’t-I-a-stinker” grin on his plug-ugly mug throughout most of the day . It’s a face for radio if there ever was one.

Too bad his personality is the thing keeping him out of radio. And print. And puppet shows. And smoke signaling.

last update : 23-5-2018

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