Care of the Instaman, we’ve got the Beast’s 50 Most Loathesome People in America in 2002. It’s got some o’ the kinds of folks you’d expect, your Brokaws and your Michael Moores and your Pat Robertsons, yet it also seems to have quite a few weird axes to grind, while leaving out some heavy hitters of annoyance and stupidity. I mean, come on, a celebrity hate list without Babs? Isn’t there something in Revelations about that being a sign of the endtimes? I also have to assume that the list isn’t in order of importance because Moore is only at number 42, meaning the poor fat slob was robbed of his rightful place on the rebar-enforced podium of the top three.

Then there’s this:

 

46. TREY ANASTASIO 

Misdeeds: The pied piper of Vermont, Anastasio and his Phish bandmates have brainwashed white kids into believing that not showering, eating mushrooms, and listening to a jam band play cover songs is the path to enlightenment. When he stopped touring with Phish, their fans had no choice but to follow fifth and sixth-rate jam bands, giving rise to the beyond-awful Widespread Panic, String Cheese Incident, or any other whimsically named group of slapdicks that think adding bongo drums and a mandolin makes for good music. Anastasio’s one redeeming factor is that at least one kid has probably died by choking on a glow stick at one of his concerts.

Aggravating Factor: Doesn’t even encourage kids to do drugs. Kept Relics magazine going after Jerry Garcia’s death .

Aesthetic: High school A/V club moderator meets art teacher.

 

Alright, I must concede the aesthetic designation is spot on, and you’re definitely right that the Phish hordes do need to take a bath every now and then when they’re not making pants out of hemp or selling home-made healing crystal necklaces, but come on. If you really want a reason to hate Trey Anastasio, there are much better reasons to do so. For instance, one need go no further than his silly, uninformed political opinions (stuff, that, to his credit, he and his bandmates don’t feel inclined to shove in your face at every show).

And as for SCI and Widespread Panic: Well, I’m sorry if their music has ever rudely interupted your Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera/Backstreet Boys listening marathons. And solid-body electric mandolins ARE cool. End of story.

 

43. TOM BROKAW 

Misdeeds: There’s just something about this guy that makes you want to reach for a sharp object every time you turn on the news … Maybe it’s his heavily marketed image of smug self-righteousness, or maybe it’s the fact that The Greatest Generation, his vapid catch-phrase stretched to book length, was a monstrous best-seller. Hunter Thompson once said that Nixon’s idea of a good joke was a paraplegic who couldn’t reach high enough to vote Democratic, but Brokaw is a person that it’s hard to imagine has any idea at all of a good joke.

Aggravating Factor: He commented on NBC Nightly News that while the Office of Homeland Security might have sounded like a name from a “totalitarian regime,” the 9/11 attacks “proved that something in America has to change.”

Aesthetic: The quirky fourth in a golfing party of Dupont executives.

 

I have to disagree with the aesthetic assessment here.

Aesthetic: Former cow-tipper with speech impediment tries desperately to maintain the semblance of a cultural elite.

 

17 . KEN BURNS 

Misdeeds: Telling that horrendous misrepresentation of the War Between the States from a dizzying Yankee slant. It has been called a war of attrition, but the Civil War (the actual war, not to be confused with Burn’s more lengthy documentary of the same name) would have been over much sooner had the Yankee and Rebel soldiers faced each other over a grave trench and instead of mailing their letters home?the letters read throughout Burn’s fantas??read them to each other until they all fell victim to apoplectic seizures triggered by vicious infections of excruciating boredom.

Aggravating Factor: He has continued to film his versions of historical drivel in the same torturous style. He made an entire nation of Volvo-driving Ikea addicts?with their disposable income earmarked for donation to a TV network that shows mostly sewing programs and shows trying to teach project kids the al?habet?believe they now know something about baseball and jazz. That’s dangerous shit.

Aesthetic: Mister Rogers’s soothing voice and Dudley Moore’s harmlessness with a haircut and beard taken from Dobie Gillis.

 

Geez. Methinks the Beast has some repressed rage in weird places. Who can hate Ken Burns? The guy is a pleasant androgynous man-woman with a demeanor that would put a hyperactive chihuahua at blissful ease . Sure, his vaguely Stuart Smalley-esque vibe may creep some people out, but “The Civil War” kicked some major ass. And, as someone who was into jazz before he saw the Burns doc, I think Burns did a pretty damn good job.

 

5. MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN 

Misdeeds: Their entire life up to this point. The Olsen twins starred as the precocious Michelle on the abysmal Full House, a television show so vile that any sensible person would rather watch an abortion gone horribly wrong than sit through five minutes of it. As of this date the twins have sold 29 million books, 1.5 million albums, and 30 million videos. They also have their own line of video games, a magazine, CD-ROMs, and a fashion and lifestlye line available at Walmart which teach young girls that it’s OK to be walking through piles of shit as long as you have a cute skirt and flirty earrings.

Aggravating Factor: Their company expects to rake in roughly 1 billion dollars in sales in the next year, which hopefully a crooked manager will steal from them because these sluts are already worth $38 million each .

Aesthetic: One half Britney Spears, one half Andres Serrano’s Piss Christ

 

OK, you’d have to be Mother Teresa to not want to smack these kids a few dozen times each (and the only reason Mother Teresa would be able to restrain herself is because she’s dead), but really now, aren’t these kids a little below the radar to get all hot and bothered about? So their company (they have a company?!) rakes in a cool billion. For all the products you rattled off, their famedom and market presence has been remarkably discreet as far as I can tell. Maybe I’m a little too disconnected from popular culture, or maybe you’re actually unconciously still a little irked that they kept stealing the spotlight from Kimmy Gibbler?

Anyway, Full House was rather awful, but hey, if we can forgive the Germans for WWII, surely you have it your heart to exonerate these two.

 

2. TOM GRUDNOWSKI 

Misdeeds: CEO of Fair Isaac, the nation’s largest credit scoring agency, and the one primarily responsible for the system that allows auto amd health insurance companies to charge vastly higher rates to people who have faulty credit histories. It’s bad enough that you can’t get credit if you have some problems in your past; now your late Visa payments might make it harder for you to drive or see a doctor.

Aggravating Factor: Anonymous nature of credit industry makes it virtually impossible to find any personal information about one of the most powerful people in the country.

Aesthetic: A faceless ghost who hovers like a cloud over most people every day, infecting them with worries.

 

Who?

Hmmm, been spending a little too much time on eBay and watching QVC, have you? I have a feeling this whole list was a pretense to insert this odd, personal vendetta against the guy who’s responsible for all those stern letters admonishing the author about his late payments and soaring interest rates, and who is seen as the evil incarnate driving his pathological impulse-buying need to purchase every George Foreman grill, Revolutionary War coin collection and novelty singing Bass fish that he comes across.

































































































































































































































































































































last update : 21-11-2017

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