Eat your heart out New York Times, cuz I got me the only copy of the latest authentic communique to be sent to the outside world from the man that everyone loves to hate (except for military types; they love to drop daisy cutters on his diapered ass). That’s right, I’ve got a genuine letter from OBL himself, Ol’ Bombing Lunatic, Osama Bin Laden. Cuold this make me the next Drudge? Only time will tell.

But for now, on to the scoop:

Dear Imperialist Crusader Running Dogs of Satan, 

In case you have forgotten, your inglorious death at the hands of the true soldiers of Allah is becoming ever more imminent. Do not think that just because you have thus far killed or captured most of the senior leadership of our glorious Al Qeada, and spread the rest of the faithful to four winds in abject terror that you have won the struggle.

Sure, it may appear that we’re all cowering in terror at more American bombs falling on our heads from 30,000 feet in the air while we the most we can do is make absurdly boastful pronouncements from our dank, dark places of refuge… but that’s just what we wanted you to think! Ha ha!

Take that you filthy dogs. Our assurred victory over your corrupt immoral hegemony will only be that much more sweet when it comes by complete surprise! This isn’t over baby, not by a long shot!

You think the World Trade Center was bad? Well you ain’t seen nothin’ yet … uh, super orbital weapons platform dealy that can fire a laser and vaporize an entire city in seconds. Does that do anything for ya?

And that’s not all, you impious descendents of monkeys. Soon we will have finished our secret program of, um… let’s see.. … lightning bolts from their asses!

Yeah, you heard me. Be afraid, be very afraid. Allah works in mysterious ways, Western scum, and what is more mysterious than fire-breathing, lightning-farting jet-propelled android yaks?

That’s right, crusader Satans… quake in your soft, comfortable western boots. I’ll take my hard, feculent pieces of cured donkey leather wrapped around my feet with strips of dried pig intestine any day, thank you very much. I may be wearing ass on my feet, but my heart and my mind are pure and clean with the light of God and his One Prophet, and I have been promised by both that our victory is coming “any day now . Serious this time!”

Allah himself assured me that our global triumph is currently on back-order, but will be coming soon. 8-10 business days, tops… barring any problem with the postal service, of course.

Your defeat is coming, imperialist Satan! My ideologically pure bretheren and I will keep the faith until that sacred day of triumph comes to pass, and then we’re going to party like its 1299! Black-eyed virgins for all!

Osama Bin Laden


last update : 22-5-2018

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